Dear Stranger,
In the last few days three things have happened that have been significant to me.
Firstly, the amazing & inspirational Jack Monroe came out as transgender.
Secondly, the equally amazing & inspirational Amanda Palmer did her first post-baby webcast.
Thirdly, my gorgeous godson was born.
In the article she wrote for The New Statesman about being transgender, Jack said that for so long there had been a big lie being told, not just to others, but to herself about her true gender feelings.
Reading the article made me think about the big fat stinking lie I've not just been telling others but, more importantly, have been telling myself for years (&, no, gender doesn't come into it).
I have been lying for so long about being fine with the fact I may never have kids.
The truth is, I don't know who I am and who I can be if I am never a mother.
12 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS, having failed in attempts to fall pregnant with my then boyfriend. I have, over the years, put on a front of pragmatism & acceptance of the prospect of not having kids but all it is is a front.
Amanda Palmer's webcast last night made things, also, so painfully clear to me. Her husband Neil has the same age gap to her as my husband has to me (we're just four years younger than them) but my husband, while not entirely ruling it out, often worries that he's just too old to be a dad again. Watching her as she chatted away to fans while breastfeeding & interacting with her husband as a family unit and then hearing him talk so warmly about the magic of this newborn brought my pain of being childless brutally to the fore.
Tonight my husband & I get to meet our new godson for the first time. I'm so excited and don't feel any resentment to friends & family who are having kids all around me, but I feel such sorrow for myself.
If I can't be this then who can I be as I never, truly, wanted to be anything but a mother.
Til Next Time,
Me
