Just Life...

Dear Stranger, The person who, in a way, prompted this blog has a friend who is dying. She's sharing the experience with all her fans. Not in a sick, voyeuristic, narcissistic way but just because she's being honest and because she knows that everyone who sees it will give the extra love & support she needs, unconditionally, at this hardest of times. I often wish I could do that. I often need unconditional love and support but the fear of what people would say and how they'd react if I were to be honest often scares me into saying nothing. Often I will go over the same ground over and over again as there are things I have yet to find a way to resolve. I often think people will get bored of hearing 'the same old thing' and not understand why it's so hard to move on from...even I can't understand why, seven years after getting some legal resolution and protection, I am still stuck being scared and affected by it all. Why is it so hard? I don't know if anyone can answer that. I think sometimes things just 'are'. Speak Soon, Me

Just Another Day

Dear Stranger, Just spent a couple of hours sat listening/watching an online seminar about career change. While I couldn't afford the £95 a week cost for the full coaching thing, I did find what they had to say inspirational. I think I secretly have a rough idea of what I want to do for a living...I just haven't decided on the specifics or know quite how to get to it as yet but it's something I can work on I suppose. I did see the potential 'dream job' a few weeks ago...except it hadn't formally been confirmed as a job and I had no clue how much it paid...but those things aside, it did scream 'that's for me' in my head. It was finding internet based information/write ups/articles etc for a singer/author for her. The thought of spending my days collating information about someone whose work I enjoy and getting paid for it sounded amazing tbh. Ticked a lot of 'me' boxes. Would never happen, though, as I don't really think I'm cool enough to be taken seriously. At times I think I'm too 'weird' for some and too 'normal' for others....just can't win. Being the eldest I always wanted a younger sibling. One of each would have been ideal as I wanted a brother to play football with and a sister who would be my best friend through thick and thin. Who I could swap tales of boyfriends with as well as wardrobes and make up. One I could hang out with, grow up with, raise our families alongside one another. Well, I got the sister but that was as far as it went. Don't get me wrong, we love each other and would be there in a heartbeat for the other if anyone hurt the other one or needed help, but we've just not got the closeness I always craved. I think it started when we were little. Mum had post-natal depression after she was born (a knock on from the anorexia of her late teens/early 20's I suspect...buried unhappinesses and all that), and so I would always try to help. As a result I fell into a pattern of smothering my sister with love when all she wanted was my mum. I didn't even realise this until we were much older (I was 4 when my sister was born). As a result my sister & my mum have a difficult relationship at the best of times. It has improved somewhat since my niece was born but it's still not ideal. When I got married recently my sister reluctantly was a bridesmaid (as reluctantly as she was to make me one of hers a a couple of years earlier. I had to cry til she caved in and let me) and had no involvement or attendance at either my hen weekend or a hen meal the following week for those who couldn't make/afford the weekend thing. I see other friends who have close bonds with their siblings and it makes me hurt inside and feel so lonely. I have good friends who I'm close to but it's just not the same. I wish we would be close but I know it's just never going to happen and it makes me sad. My husband is older than me with grown up children and I have a few fertility complications. What if we never have kids and I end up alone? I'm always so scared of that. I'm scared of many things, though, like tall, balding men wearing baseball caps.....a baseball cap can make me filled with the height of anxiety. But that's another thing for another day. Adios Amigos! Me

In the beginning...

Dear Stranger, This is me. So where do I start? Here & Now? At the beginning? Somewhere in between? Maybe I’ll just flit around. I haven’t decided yet. There is more than one stranger in this piece. One will be you, the reader, as I’m not sharing this blog link out with people so you will merely have stumbled upon this page. The other is me. I’ve gotten to the point where I remember who I was once and I sort of know who I am now but there’s so much of me I don’t understand that makes me feel a stranger to myself. Right now I’m writing this at work. I should be working but I just don’t ‘feel’ it these days. I’m unsatisfied but haven’t the confidence to go anywhere else as I don’t know what I’d be better at. I know what I love and enjoy but I’m not a strong person in some respects and I’m fearful of intimidation, failure and not being good enough. A lot of that stems from the past. I had one BIG thing, that I’ll talk about here and there I know, but then from even further in the past than that. Before I carry on moaning I’d like to make it clear that I’m not all miserable. I got married recently and, while he’s not perfect and is part of some of the life frustrations I have, he makes me happy. I’ve never laughed as much in a relationship as I do with him and he’s made me truly feel better within myself in a lot of ways. I still have times where I can’t work out why he’s with me, but when you’ve spent time with someone who tells you no one will ever love you because you are worthless and has drummed it into your head, it’s something that will come back to niggle at you from time to time. I just know the times are less now than they were before. My inspiration to write this…here…for as long as it takes…was an moment this week when, for good or not, I wrote a very open letter to a lady (famous) who inspires me and gave it to her to read. I don’t know if she’s read it or not as I instructed her not to follow up on it. In the letter I explained why, at times of higher anxiety, I often get very ‘attention seeking’ on social media platforms with people who inspire me. I tried as best I could to explain I wasn’t crazy but merely had a way of coping which might make me seem it and I apologised profusely for potentially being a pest and that I hoped she’d not judge me for it. I do realise by doing this – writing the letter – that I MAY have actually come over totally crazy as she might not have noticed half of my posts, but the plus side was I found myself being open and honest with myself (as well as her) about stuff that I’ve held back on for so long so I thought a blog might help me work through some things and maybe find answers to questions and solutions to problems. “Why a blog?” you might ask, as opposed to a private diary. Well, when I wrote the letter it felt like I was letting things go…sending the stuff ‘out there’ rather than holding back on it. Equally, cos I’m doing this for me, that’s why I’m not sharing the link to this with people as I’m not overly fussed about people seeing it…so if you’ve found me, well done! Anyway, I’m off for now. Will add more later or another day…. Me.