Perils Of The Heart...

Dear Stranger, Finding my way forward is tough. No one warns you how difficult emotions can be. After my husband died there was a brief 'thing' with another guy. It all went wrong for various reasons but it never felt like the wrong thing..just the wrong time. He went back to his toxic ex & I went back to being a widow & we stopped speaking (her insistance rather than any fall out between us) A couple of months back they split up. He's just started seeing someone else who, fortunately, I get on with so now we can be friends again. I saw him for the first time in a long time last night. The new girlfriend is on holiday but knew we were meeting up (along with a bigger group of friends) & she was fine with it. While nothing happened there was a fleeting moment where something almost did. We can blame the booze, but I know that spark is still there. I'd never act on it but it just makes me sad that the timing is just never right. That said I've been trying to move on from that too. The first guy who caught my eye turned out to have a lovely girlfriend (that said, there are sparks there too...but not even going to think about it). The other guy is a work colleague but he became my boss a few months back (after working together 6 years) so I can't go there either (plus I don't think he's interested anyway). So this all leaves me with a load of emotions that have nowhere to go & being on my own. Why can't it all be simpler? Til Next Time, Me

It's been a while...

Dear Stranger, It's been a while. 9 & 1/2 months ago I lost everything. My husband killed himself. Now I'm trying to work out who I am and where I am going in this life. I don't know who I'm meant to be anymore. All I know is that whoever I am right now, I'm not always keen on her. Something has to change. Til Next Time, Me

Hole In My Soul

Dear Stranger,

In the last few days three things have happened that have been significant to me.

Firstly, the amazing & inspirational Jack Monroe came out as transgender.

Secondly, the equally amazing & inspirational Amanda Palmer did her first post-baby webcast.

Thirdly, my gorgeous godson was born.

In the article she wrote for The New Statesman about being transgender, Jack said that for so long there had been a big lie being told, not just to others, but to herself about her true gender feelings.

Reading the article made me think about the big fat stinking lie I've not just been telling others but, more importantly, have been telling myself for years (&, no, gender doesn't come into it).

I have been lying for so long about being fine with the fact I may never have kids.

The truth is, I don't know who I am and who I can be if I am never a mother.

12 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS, having failed in attempts to fall pregnant with my then boyfriend. I have, over the years, put on a front of pragmatism & acceptance of the prospect of not having kids but all it is is a front.

Amanda Palmer's webcast last night made things, also, so painfully clear to me. Her husband Neil has the same age gap to her as my husband has to me (we're just four years younger than them) but my husband, while not entirely ruling it out, often worries that he's just too old to be a dad again. Watching her as she chatted away to fans while breastfeeding & interacting with her husband as a family unit and then hearing him talk so warmly about the magic of this newborn brought my pain of being childless brutally to the fore.

Tonight my husband & I get to meet our new godson for the first time. I'm so excited and don't feel any resentment to friends & family who are having kids all around me, but I feel such sorrow for myself.

If I can't be this then who can I be as I never, truly, wanted to be anything but a mother.

Til Next Time,

Me

Once Upon A Time I Was Cool....

....or at least I pretended to be. It lasted all of a couple of years, between age 15 & 17, when I did a fanzine, hung out with bands & generally felt 'accepted' & like I belonged.

Over the years I've taken up with groups of people - Bowie fans, Darkness fans, Russell Brand fans, local music scene, local pub, etc - to varying degrees of success. While making some long-lasting friendships along the way, I still struggle to feel a true sense of belonging or acceptance.

Due to marrying late &, thus far, having no children I feel out of step with many of my peers yet don't feel linked to those who have not reached those life steps as I'm not out & about living without a care.

Equally, having always wanted to be a parent I've not strived for a career to speak of so the fear of not becoming a parent leaves me worried I'll not fit in anywhere.

Maybe I'm just destined to be socially awkward & inept. Not to 'belong'. Not to fit in anywhere.

Maybe I've just failed at life somehow.

Til Next Time,

Me.

Victims...

Dear Stranger,

A couple of days ago I read the brutal piece in Huffington Post about the bass player of The Runaways, Jackie Fox, and the rape she suffered at the hands of the band's manager Kim Fowley when she was just 15 (you can read it here ).

Many of the people in the room that night were traumatised by what happened. Equally, though, some chose to ignore it and conclude it was just something that was to be expected from him and from the showbiz lifestyle she had become a part of. Some of her fellow bandmates who witnessed it still choose to see the late Kim Fowley as a decent man who did many good things for them and their careers.

For Jackie, what happened that night over 30 years ago still effects her and her life.

It reminded me of my past. I was physically and psychologically abused by a former partner. Legal steps were taken and he can no longer communicate with me. However, the damage still remains.

There are things I am still fearful of (you may remember my comments a while ago on baseball caps...that's one of them) and I feel there are things I will never experience again as I avoid things that might risk us bumping into one another. Though he would break the law by communicating with me, the thought of just seeing him again sets off anxiety attacks.

Worst of all, there are people out there who I had been friends with who think he's a nice guy and that I'm the bad person like he says I am.

I know the truth.

Why is it that people like Jackie or myself go through hell and yet are not believed by people and are left scarred for life emotionally while the perpetrators can carry on as if nothing matters because they can fool people into thinking they're ok?

Sometimes I wish I could make it all go away and never have happened but I know I'm a stronger person for surviving it in spite of him.

More later,

Me

What If....

Dear Stranger,

Life is full of questions, full of things that you question within yourself that then sway your decisions and choices.

Right now my anxiety is being peaked by two 'What if's'

1) What if that person who almost destroyed me mentally turns up....

&

2) What if I don't fit in with these people any more...

The first is a big deal because, even though my husband & friends will be there to support me, it's taken seven years to get to a point where I can just about deal with the impact of the physical & mental abuse I suffered & I don't know how I'd cope if I saw him again.

The second is a big deal cos I have such fond memories of the fun I had with this group of people and would hate spoiling it.

Only time will tell how it'll be I guess.

Till next time...

Love,

Me

Just Life...

Dear Stranger, The person who, in a way, prompted this blog has a friend who is dying. She's sharing the experience with all her fans. Not in a sick, voyeuristic, narcissistic way but just because she's being honest and because she knows that everyone who sees it will give the extra love & support she needs, unconditionally, at this hardest of times. I often wish I could do that. I often need unconditional love and support but the fear of what people would say and how they'd react if I were to be honest often scares me into saying nothing. Often I will go over the same ground over and over again as there are things I have yet to find a way to resolve. I often think people will get bored of hearing 'the same old thing' and not understand why it's so hard to move on from...even I can't understand why, seven years after getting some legal resolution and protection, I am still stuck being scared and affected by it all. Why is it so hard? I don't know if anyone can answer that. I think sometimes things just 'are'. Speak Soon, Me