Hole In My Soul

Dear Stranger,

In the last few days three things have happened that have been significant to me.

Firstly, the amazing & inspirational Jack Monroe came out as transgender.

Secondly, the equally amazing & inspirational Amanda Palmer did her first post-baby webcast.

Thirdly, my gorgeous godson was born.

In the article she wrote for The New Statesman about being transgender, Jack said that for so long there had been a big lie being told, not just to others, but to herself about her true gender feelings.

Reading the article made me think about the big fat stinking lie I've not just been telling others but, more importantly, have been telling myself for years (&, no, gender doesn't come into it).

I have been lying for so long about being fine with the fact I may never have kids.

The truth is, I don't know who I am and who I can be if I am never a mother.

12 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS, having failed in attempts to fall pregnant with my then boyfriend. I have, over the years, put on a front of pragmatism & acceptance of the prospect of not having kids but all it is is a front.

Amanda Palmer's webcast last night made things, also, so painfully clear to me. Her husband Neil has the same age gap to her as my husband has to me (we're just four years younger than them) but my husband, while not entirely ruling it out, often worries that he's just too old to be a dad again. Watching her as she chatted away to fans while breastfeeding & interacting with her husband as a family unit and then hearing him talk so warmly about the magic of this newborn brought my pain of being childless brutally to the fore.

Tonight my husband & I get to meet our new godson for the first time. I'm so excited and don't feel any resentment to friends & family who are having kids all around me, but I feel such sorrow for myself.

If I can't be this then who can I be as I never, truly, wanted to be anything but a mother.

Til Next Time,

Me

Once Upon A Time I Was Cool....

....or at least I pretended to be. It lasted all of a couple of years, between age 15 & 17, when I did a fanzine, hung out with bands & generally felt 'accepted' & like I belonged.

Over the years I've taken up with groups of people - Bowie fans, Darkness fans, Russell Brand fans, local music scene, local pub, etc - to varying degrees of success. While making some long-lasting friendships along the way, I still struggle to feel a true sense of belonging or acceptance.

Due to marrying late &, thus far, having no children I feel out of step with many of my peers yet don't feel linked to those who have not reached those life steps as I'm not out & about living without a care.

Equally, having always wanted to be a parent I've not strived for a career to speak of so the fear of not becoming a parent leaves me worried I'll not fit in anywhere.

Maybe I'm just destined to be socially awkward & inept. Not to 'belong'. Not to fit in anywhere.

Maybe I've just failed at life somehow.

Til Next Time,

Me.

Victims...

Dear Stranger,

A couple of days ago I read the brutal piece in Huffington Post about the bass player of The Runaways, Jackie Fox, and the rape she suffered at the hands of the band's manager Kim Fowley when she was just 15 (you can read it here ).

Many of the people in the room that night were traumatised by what happened. Equally, though, some chose to ignore it and conclude it was just something that was to be expected from him and from the showbiz lifestyle she had become a part of. Some of her fellow bandmates who witnessed it still choose to see the late Kim Fowley as a decent man who did many good things for them and their careers.

For Jackie, what happened that night over 30 years ago still effects her and her life.

It reminded me of my past. I was physically and psychologically abused by a former partner. Legal steps were taken and he can no longer communicate with me. However, the damage still remains.

There are things I am still fearful of (you may remember my comments a while ago on baseball caps...that's one of them) and I feel there are things I will never experience again as I avoid things that might risk us bumping into one another. Though he would break the law by communicating with me, the thought of just seeing him again sets off anxiety attacks.

Worst of all, there are people out there who I had been friends with who think he's a nice guy and that I'm the bad person like he says I am.

I know the truth.

Why is it that people like Jackie or myself go through hell and yet are not believed by people and are left scarred for life emotionally while the perpetrators can carry on as if nothing matters because they can fool people into thinking they're ok?

Sometimes I wish I could make it all go away and never have happened but I know I'm a stronger person for surviving it in spite of him.

More later,

Me

What If....

Dear Stranger,

Life is full of questions, full of things that you question within yourself that then sway your decisions and choices.

Right now my anxiety is being peaked by two 'What if's'

1) What if that person who almost destroyed me mentally turns up....

&

2) What if I don't fit in with these people any more...

The first is a big deal because, even though my husband & friends will be there to support me, it's taken seven years to get to a point where I can just about deal with the impact of the physical & mental abuse I suffered & I don't know how I'd cope if I saw him again.

The second is a big deal cos I have such fond memories of the fun I had with this group of people and would hate spoiling it.

Only time will tell how it'll be I guess.

Till next time...

Love,

Me

Just Life...

Dear Stranger, The person who, in a way, prompted this blog has a friend who is dying. She's sharing the experience with all her fans. Not in a sick, voyeuristic, narcissistic way but just because she's being honest and because she knows that everyone who sees it will give the extra love & support she needs, unconditionally, at this hardest of times. I often wish I could do that. I often need unconditional love and support but the fear of what people would say and how they'd react if I were to be honest often scares me into saying nothing. Often I will go over the same ground over and over again as there are things I have yet to find a way to resolve. I often think people will get bored of hearing 'the same old thing' and not understand why it's so hard to move on from...even I can't understand why, seven years after getting some legal resolution and protection, I am still stuck being scared and affected by it all. Why is it so hard? I don't know if anyone can answer that. I think sometimes things just 'are'. Speak Soon, Me

Just Another Day

Dear Stranger, Just spent a couple of hours sat listening/watching an online seminar about career change. While I couldn't afford the £95 a week cost for the full coaching thing, I did find what they had to say inspirational. I think I secretly have a rough idea of what I want to do for a living...I just haven't decided on the specifics or know quite how to get to it as yet but it's something I can work on I suppose. I did see the potential 'dream job' a few weeks ago...except it hadn't formally been confirmed as a job and I had no clue how much it paid...but those things aside, it did scream 'that's for me' in my head. It was finding internet based information/write ups/articles etc for a singer/author for her. The thought of spending my days collating information about someone whose work I enjoy and getting paid for it sounded amazing tbh. Ticked a lot of 'me' boxes. Would never happen, though, as I don't really think I'm cool enough to be taken seriously. At times I think I'm too 'weird' for some and too 'normal' for others....just can't win. Being the eldest I always wanted a younger sibling. One of each would have been ideal as I wanted a brother to play football with and a sister who would be my best friend through thick and thin. Who I could swap tales of boyfriends with as well as wardrobes and make up. One I could hang out with, grow up with, raise our families alongside one another. Well, I got the sister but that was as far as it went. Don't get me wrong, we love each other and would be there in a heartbeat for the other if anyone hurt the other one or needed help, but we've just not got the closeness I always craved. I think it started when we were little. Mum had post-natal depression after she was born (a knock on from the anorexia of her late teens/early 20's I suspect...buried unhappinesses and all that), and so I would always try to help. As a result I fell into a pattern of smothering my sister with love when all she wanted was my mum. I didn't even realise this until we were much older (I was 4 when my sister was born). As a result my sister & my mum have a difficult relationship at the best of times. It has improved somewhat since my niece was born but it's still not ideal. When I got married recently my sister reluctantly was a bridesmaid (as reluctantly as she was to make me one of hers a a couple of years earlier. I had to cry til she caved in and let me) and had no involvement or attendance at either my hen weekend or a hen meal the following week for those who couldn't make/afford the weekend thing. I see other friends who have close bonds with their siblings and it makes me hurt inside and feel so lonely. I have good friends who I'm close to but it's just not the same. I wish we would be close but I know it's just never going to happen and it makes me sad. My husband is older than me with grown up children and I have a few fertility complications. What if we never have kids and I end up alone? I'm always so scared of that. I'm scared of many things, though, like tall, balding men wearing baseball caps.....a baseball cap can make me filled with the height of anxiety. But that's another thing for another day. Adios Amigos! Me

In the beginning...

Dear Stranger, This is me. So where do I start? Here & Now? At the beginning? Somewhere in between? Maybe I’ll just flit around. I haven’t decided yet. There is more than one stranger in this piece. One will be you, the reader, as I’m not sharing this blog link out with people so you will merely have stumbled upon this page. The other is me. I’ve gotten to the point where I remember who I was once and I sort of know who I am now but there’s so much of me I don’t understand that makes me feel a stranger to myself. Right now I’m writing this at work. I should be working but I just don’t ‘feel’ it these days. I’m unsatisfied but haven’t the confidence to go anywhere else as I don’t know what I’d be better at. I know what I love and enjoy but I’m not a strong person in some respects and I’m fearful of intimidation, failure and not being good enough. A lot of that stems from the past. I had one BIG thing, that I’ll talk about here and there I know, but then from even further in the past than that. Before I carry on moaning I’d like to make it clear that I’m not all miserable. I got married recently and, while he’s not perfect and is part of some of the life frustrations I have, he makes me happy. I’ve never laughed as much in a relationship as I do with him and he’s made me truly feel better within myself in a lot of ways. I still have times where I can’t work out why he’s with me, but when you’ve spent time with someone who tells you no one will ever love you because you are worthless and has drummed it into your head, it’s something that will come back to niggle at you from time to time. I just know the times are less now than they were before. My inspiration to write this…here…for as long as it takes…was an moment this week when, for good or not, I wrote a very open letter to a lady (famous) who inspires me and gave it to her to read. I don’t know if she’s read it or not as I instructed her not to follow up on it. In the letter I explained why, at times of higher anxiety, I often get very ‘attention seeking’ on social media platforms with people who inspire me. I tried as best I could to explain I wasn’t crazy but merely had a way of coping which might make me seem it and I apologised profusely for potentially being a pest and that I hoped she’d not judge me for it. I do realise by doing this – writing the letter – that I MAY have actually come over totally crazy as she might not have noticed half of my posts, but the plus side was I found myself being open and honest with myself (as well as her) about stuff that I’ve held back on for so long so I thought a blog might help me work through some things and maybe find answers to questions and solutions to problems. “Why a blog?” you might ask, as opposed to a private diary. Well, when I wrote the letter it felt like I was letting things go…sending the stuff ‘out there’ rather than holding back on it. Equally, cos I’m doing this for me, that’s why I’m not sharing the link to this with people as I’m not overly fussed about people seeing it…so if you’ve found me, well done! Anyway, I’m off for now. Will add more later or another day…. Me.