In the beginning...

Dear Stranger, This is me. So where do I start? Here & Now? At the beginning? Somewhere in between? Maybe I’ll just flit around. I haven’t decided yet. There is more than one stranger in this piece. One will be you, the reader, as I’m not sharing this blog link out with people so you will merely have stumbled upon this page. The other is me. I’ve gotten to the point where I remember who I was once and I sort of know who I am now but there’s so much of me I don’t understand that makes me feel a stranger to myself. Right now I’m writing this at work. I should be working but I just don’t ‘feel’ it these days. I’m unsatisfied but haven’t the confidence to go anywhere else as I don’t know what I’d be better at. I know what I love and enjoy but I’m not a strong person in some respects and I’m fearful of intimidation, failure and not being good enough. A lot of that stems from the past. I had one BIG thing, that I’ll talk about here and there I know, but then from even further in the past than that. Before I carry on moaning I’d like to make it clear that I’m not all miserable. I got married recently and, while he’s not perfect and is part of some of the life frustrations I have, he makes me happy. I’ve never laughed as much in a relationship as I do with him and he’s made me truly feel better within myself in a lot of ways. I still have times where I can’t work out why he’s with me, but when you’ve spent time with someone who tells you no one will ever love you because you are worthless and has drummed it into your head, it’s something that will come back to niggle at you from time to time. I just know the times are less now than they were before. My inspiration to write this…here…for as long as it takes…was an moment this week when, for good or not, I wrote a very open letter to a lady (famous) who inspires me and gave it to her to read. I don’t know if she’s read it or not as I instructed her not to follow up on it. In the letter I explained why, at times of higher anxiety, I often get very ‘attention seeking’ on social media platforms with people who inspire me. I tried as best I could to explain I wasn’t crazy but merely had a way of coping which might make me seem it and I apologised profusely for potentially being a pest and that I hoped she’d not judge me for it. I do realise by doing this – writing the letter – that I MAY have actually come over totally crazy as she might not have noticed half of my posts, but the plus side was I found myself being open and honest with myself (as well as her) about stuff that I’ve held back on for so long so I thought a blog might help me work through some things and maybe find answers to questions and solutions to problems. “Why a blog?” you might ask, as opposed to a private diary. Well, when I wrote the letter it felt like I was letting things go…sending the stuff ‘out there’ rather than holding back on it. Equally, cos I’m doing this for me, that’s why I’m not sharing the link to this with people as I’m not overly fussed about people seeing it…so if you’ve found me, well done! Anyway, I’m off for now. Will add more later or another day…. Me.