Just Another Day

Dear Stranger, Just spent a couple of hours sat listening/watching an online seminar about career change. While I couldn't afford the £95 a week cost for the full coaching thing, I did find what they had to say inspirational. I think I secretly have a rough idea of what I want to do for a living...I just haven't decided on the specifics or know quite how to get to it as yet but it's something I can work on I suppose. I did see the potential 'dream job' a few weeks ago...except it hadn't formally been confirmed as a job and I had no clue how much it paid...but those things aside, it did scream 'that's for me' in my head. It was finding internet based information/write ups/articles etc for a singer/author for her. The thought of spending my days collating information about someone whose work I enjoy and getting paid for it sounded amazing tbh. Ticked a lot of 'me' boxes. Would never happen, though, as I don't really think I'm cool enough to be taken seriously. At times I think I'm too 'weird' for some and too 'normal' for others....just can't win. Being the eldest I always wanted a younger sibling. One of each would have been ideal as I wanted a brother to play football with and a sister who would be my best friend through thick and thin. Who I could swap tales of boyfriends with as well as wardrobes and make up. One I could hang out with, grow up with, raise our families alongside one another. Well, I got the sister but that was as far as it went. Don't get me wrong, we love each other and would be there in a heartbeat for the other if anyone hurt the other one or needed help, but we've just not got the closeness I always craved. I think it started when we were little. Mum had post-natal depression after she was born (a knock on from the anorexia of her late teens/early 20's I suspect...buried unhappinesses and all that), and so I would always try to help. As a result I fell into a pattern of smothering my sister with love when all she wanted was my mum. I didn't even realise this until we were much older (I was 4 when my sister was born). As a result my sister & my mum have a difficult relationship at the best of times. It has improved somewhat since my niece was born but it's still not ideal. When I got married recently my sister reluctantly was a bridesmaid (as reluctantly as she was to make me one of hers a a couple of years earlier. I had to cry til she caved in and let me) and had no involvement or attendance at either my hen weekend or a hen meal the following week for those who couldn't make/afford the weekend thing. I see other friends who have close bonds with their siblings and it makes me hurt inside and feel so lonely. I have good friends who I'm close to but it's just not the same. I wish we would be close but I know it's just never going to happen and it makes me sad. My husband is older than me with grown up children and I have a few fertility complications. What if we never have kids and I end up alone? I'm always so scared of that. I'm scared of many things, though, like tall, balding men wearing baseball caps.....a baseball cap can make me filled with the height of anxiety. But that's another thing for another day. Adios Amigos! Me